I’m sure all of you can relate to that holiday bloat. After over a week of eating whatever the f*ck I wanted, I decided I should go on a
I’d never cleansed before. Anyone who knows me will tell you
I’m the hangry friend.Not eating for a significant length of time hadnever been an option; when I don’t eat, I feel horrendous and make everyone around me miserable.
I’m home forChristmas break. I have literally no responsibilities this week. What’s the worst amount of damage I could do to the world with a two-day cleanse?
I also decided I wasn’t going to do a ~traditional~ cleanse — you know, like a proven one that came from somewhere other than inside my own weird head. I wasn’t going to consult experts or do any research. No way. I am too original for that.
I was going to make upmy own cleanse. A tea cleanse! I wondered if maybeI’d be the next fitness expert in the field. I was going to be a millionaire for sure. FOR SURE.
Why tea? I heard somewhere that drinking three pots of tea a day makes you super healthy and thin. I don’t remember where I heard this, but I figured that if it were true, I would become super healthy after spending 48 hours straight-up drinking tea.
Teatox and all that bullsh*t. Real-ass tea bags wouldbe more cleansing,right?
Thus began my ~journey~. Come with me, children, down a strange, dark and bizarre path into cleansing oblivion.
I had an idea in my head to get this tea that mycoworker
Zarais alwaysdrinking: Yogi Detox. It has a lot of tasty looking stuff in it, like ginger. Mama likes her some ginger.
So I went to CVS, dragging my sister’s apprehensive girlfriend for moral support, but the Yogi Tea was nowhere to be found. I blame the Midwest and its delay on shipmentsforanything trendy.
Instead, the only tea this rustic establishment had to offer was the vile Lipton (CVS: destroying dreams since 1963). And so, in at least my second terrible decision of the day, I found myself in the laxatives aisle.
I decided on two teas: one called “Smooth Move,” intended to relieve“occasional constipation” (yeah, this article gets real about poop, so prepare yourself) and a dandelion tea for detoxifying the liver.
I figured that these teas — combined with regular chamomile and black tea — would make for a rejuvenating cleanse.
I woke upon Day One around 9 am and started the day off with a great release of the bowels — before I’d even ingested any tea. Twas magical. Anyone who says starting the day off with a monstrous BM isn’t the best thing ever is lying.
Then I hadan EmergenC because my throat wasslightly scratchy in the days leading up to Christmas. (My immune system tends to shut down the moment my mother beginsvoicing her disapproval of my life choices.) EmergenC somehow containseight grams of carbs. But I needed the vitamin C, so I bit the bullet.
I tookmy daily vitamins with my EmergenC. I took a vitamin for my hair, skin and nails, then addedfolic acid, biotin and a calcium/vitamin D supplement. Gotta keep those bones strong when you’re drinking nothing but tea all day.
At 9:31, I wasstarving.
I decided to make my “sh*t tea,” as I’m calling it, despite having already had my morning “evacuation.” It’s full of licorice and other stuff that’s supposed to really clean you out. I don’t know a lot about tea cleanses, but from what I’ve heard from the three people I know who love cleansing, you’re supposed to sh*t your brains out.
La la la la la.
Iwaiteda century for the tea bagto steep to maximize its vitamin goodness, just reminding myself over and over that I’d gained seven pounds in the last five days. That was enough encouragement to suffer for beauty.
After I drank the tea, I was slightly less starving.
At 10 am, it was time to get in a workout. I did20 minutes of abs and 40 minutes on the treadmill at an incline (this while pumping five-pound weights). It soundsfar more intense than it actually was.
During my workout, I drank a ton of seltzer and 16 ounces of dandelion tea.Iwasn’t hungry,but I’m rarely hungry after working out, so we’ll see what happens.
Sure enough, I soon becamepreoccupied with hunger. I felt empty on several levels. I started watching “Outlander,” andI found my stomach twisting into knots, sending me running to the bathroom between episodes. I don’t know how I possibly had so much poo inside my body, but there it was, spewing out of me like paste from a tube.
Needless to say, I wasn’t feelingthat greatafter essentially peeing out of my ass all day.
At 2 pm, I tookan hour-long nap because I was exhaustedfrom not eating. As you’ve probably guessed, I’m also hella dramatic.
Around 6 pm, I wasforcibly dragged to my sisters’ girlfriends house for “dinner” with my family. I wasnot in high spirits because Iwasstarving. I was also feeling mad-sick at this point. Whileeveryone ateChinese takeoutand Rice Krispie Treats, I was in hell.
I put a bunch of ice chips into a martini glass and atethem like sorbet so Icould feel fancy.
I added a cinnamon stick to my tea at one point, too.
I wasn’t sure that I could make it another 24 hours on just tea. I feltso nauseous that I hadto take aspirin to try to combat the throbbing headache brought on by low blood sugar.I hadmy last cup of licorice sh*t tea before bed and fallasleep immediately, desperate to make my misery end. I’m not even being dramatic. I feltf*cking terrible.
Then, in the dark of the night, everything got much, much worse.I ended up spending half the night in the bathroom with explosive, lava-like bodily fluidserupting from both ends.
When I finally climbed back into bed, throbbing all over and extremely dehydrated. I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I had to eat and give up this ridiculous pursuit.
I had a horrible migraine the next day due to dehydration. It was not fun.
When all was said and done, I dropped three pounds in the 24 hours of what was possibly the worst experience of my life. In case you haven’t already figured it out, this half-brained tea cleanse was a seriously poor decision on my part.
If you want to make a day last about 73 years, I suggest a homemade tea cleanse. If you want not to feel like death, I suggest forgoing a homemade tea cleanse.